Yesterday in the mail Shark Girl received six dollars in savings from CVS! Not having time to look at the coupons closely, I put them aside and went to jiu jitsu. Shortly after I returned, Ten-Year-Old Son came up to me.
“Look, Ma, it’s for you.”
In his grubby hands was that CVS flyer, with this emblazoned on it:
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
We’ve got cool news to share with women over 40.
So Consumer Value Stores, spying on my buying habits, finally figured out that I am over 40. What could have tipped them off?
Was it the armfuls of half-priced wrapping paper that I couldn’t resist yesterday? Because I’m not shy about that at all. So I did have a little trouble carrying it all to my car. So what? And maybe I did tell the checkout lady, while I brandished a roll like a lead pipe, that I was all set if attacked in the parking lot. You know what, I am totally good with paper now for the next few Christmases, and it is way cute stuff, with Santas hauling trainloads of presents and dancing snowmen. If spending too much on wrapping paper is under 40, then count me out.
Maybe it was the oral hygiene products? Our Santa thinks tooth maintenance is a top priority. He leaves floss and electric brush heads and toothpaste in our stockings. Perhaps the Under-40 crowd worries less about impending tooth loss?
Most likely it's the fact that I know what the letters "CVS" stand for. (I also know why they call that thing in the car that you charge your iPod with a cigarette lighter. Some of my students did not. Yep. Shark Girl is old.)
Whatever breadcrumbs I left, I was now curious. What were these products for hot, Over-40 women like Shark Girl? I scowled at Son, snatched the flyer out of his hands and opened it.
Poise--that was the company logo I recognized. Don’t they make adult diapers? I thought. That’s not hot.
But apparently Poise is branching out. Inside this purple, specific-customer-targeted flyer were all sorts of products for the mature woman. From fresheners and washes to gels and lubricants, Poise has decided that they can help spare senescent Shark Girl all sorts of age-related embarrassment with their “new line of wellness products.” I will spare you the product names and functions, not because I worry about your prudishness, but because, frankly, Gentle Reader, it’s more fun to wonder exactly where Poise wants me to put their towelettes than to actually know.
So, this is it. This is over 40. Dry, dirty and hot. But not that kind of hot. Thanks, Consumer Value Stores.
If anyone wants $6 in feminine wellness savings, I’m happy to send it your way. I’m not sure I’m ready to admit that I’m over 40!