When
on vacation, Shark Girl likes to train at other gyms. It keeps me sharp. Plus,
the foreign warm-ups make me feel like a white belt again. I
also have many interesting experiences when I roll on strange mats. Like this recent one:
*****
My
partner was the same belt as me, but lower in stripes. He was a young buck: spry and
muscley, on the smaller side. We had a good go around for while.
He
got me in open guard; I passed.
He
went for a footlock; I escaped.
Finally,
I got on top; he escaped. He was tiring out, though, because I quickly wound up
back on top.
He
escaped again, and we went back and forth a few more times until he could no
longer find his way out of my top control.
I
went for a choke.
I
could see in his eyes he was defeated. They were the eyes of a scared animal,
darting back and forth, unsure of what path leads to safety, but sure that
staying still is death (by suffocation).
I
tightened my choke. He started breathing more deeply, trying to get more air
with each breath.
I
tightened my choke a little more. His face was getting red.
At
this point, I realized this man was not tapping. At all. He was going to do something
really stupid, like pass out.
So, what did Shark Girl do? I saved
his ego. “Do I have this?” I asked demurely.
He sputtered.
“What?
Was that a ‘no’?”
He sputtered some more and shook his
head.
“Okay. Darn. I thought I had it.” I let go and the buzzer rang. “Thanks
for a great roll,” I smiled.
This is the segment of my blog where I offer you advice not
just on jiu-jitsu, but on life. These little tips are good for rolling on
the mats plus you can use them in
your next conflict resolution summit with your favorite enemy nation. You’re
welcome!
1.Avoid travel to “hot spots.” There are some places where if you
go, you are just asking for trouble. You won’t see me buying a plane ticket to
Libya or Syria anytime soon, and you won’t see me intentionally placing a hand
on a boob, a butt, or a testicle. You know that shit’s about to blow up.
Sometimes, in the normal act of sparring, we do get a handful of something unexpected. Move on quickly. No one probably noticed.
2.No
nukes! (Or at least promote disarmament.) There’s a reason no one wants to
play with the nations that are hiding their nuclear warheads. It’s the same in
jiu jitsu. You can be talking with a partner all friendly-like three minutes
beforehand, and then suddenly, after you tap hands, they go all North Korea on
you. Remind yourself that your sparring partner is your friend, not your enemy.
You have common goals. No one wins if you are such an aggressive asshole that
you nearly break your partner’s arm, or launch a missile that destroys the
northern hemisphere.
You just know this guy's got a nasty omoplata!
3.Don’t
spread your communicable diseases. If you have the sniffles or ebola,
it’s time to stay home and cross train. Break out that old Jillian Michaels DVD
or Richard Simmons if he is more your style (hey, I don’t judge). Perhaps go for a run or, hell, I don’t know—anything else that does not put you in body-fluid-swapping distance
of another human being. It’s nice that you have learned to share, but a global
epidemic is not what your kindergarten teacher had in mind.
4.Eliminate
(Greenhouse) Gases. Being a good global neighbor involves caring for the environment. You should care about your gym’s environment, too. “Emissions” on the mat can make for a very unpleasant habitat. Now, of course, sometimes we can’t help it. My middle-aged intestines cringe when someone knee-rides me. I regularly compromise rolls for fear that extra exertion would expel something unpleasant-smelling. But we can reduce our “fart footprint” by eating foods our bodies digest without problem. And for all you who climate-change deny it, we know you are supplying it!
This kind of cauliflower is allowed!
Not okay pre-class.
5.Stay
within our own territory. Annexing the Crimea may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but
it only pissed off the neighbors. Likewise, stay on your section of the mat and
tread lightly into the territory where others are already rolling. It is
frustrating to constantly interrupt one’s roll and move to uninhabited
territory because some Putin decides his
roll is so powerful that he doesn’t have to pay attention to anyone else around
him.
Who knew? Putin is a black belt in judo! I bet no one crowds him on the mat!
6.Ban Torture. You are in deep on a
choke, or so you think. But your partner’s not tapping. You may be saying to
yourself, Damn him! He is supposed to tap
when I choke him. I’ll choke harder! Yeah, and while you are at it, why not
waterboard him to really show him who
is boss? Chances are if your opponent doesn’t tap fairly quickly from your
submission, you don’t have it. A properly executed sub needs no muscle to
receive the tap. So if your opponent is not tapping, move on to something else.
Or, better yet, communicate with him. It never hurts to ask, “Do I have this?”
“Am I close?” or “Is this simulating drowning for you?”
7.Clean
Up Your Biohazards! It wasn’t nice for companies to dump their PCBs into
the nearby river just because they were too busy and cheap to clean up after
themselves. Likewise, if you recognize your blood on the mat, clean it up, and
put a Band-Aid on that scrape. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is all fun and games until
someone contracts Hep C. On a less lethal note, wash yourself and your gi. It’s
just common courtesy.
8.Don’t (publicize that you) buy knockoffs.
I’m not sure why this one really matters
to international relations, but companies get pissy when other companies sell
versions of their overpriced goods for much less. And when companies get pissy,
governments listen. I’ve noticed the same thing in jiu jitsu. Most instructors
get proprietary about their moves and their schools, even when they say
otherwise. So, if you visit a new gym and learn a great move, don’t announce it
to the class. Oh, sure, you can use it, but don’t reveal where you learned it
unless it was at an instructor-approved seminar. In my experience, no matter
how “open” your instructor says he is, he really doesn’t want you talking about
how great the move you learned at the gym across town is.
