Saturday, October 20, 2012

My (Short-Lived) Life as a (Soft-Core) Porn Star


Last spring Shark Girl found herself really busy. Too busy to blog. As I watched my stats dip from disuse, I decided not to check my blog at all. I mean, who cares about stats, anyway?
 
 Finally, when precious time came back into my life, I gingerly clicked my blog and braced myself for zero stats. To my surprise, my graph had been skyrocketing for over a week! What the deuce? What has happened since I last visited you, blog?

Out of curiosity, I checked my traffic sources and found that an older post had been receiving lots of attention, and most of it was from a little message board.

Don’t do it! You’re whispering out loud to yourself. Don’t click on it! It’s like the girl in the horror movie who you know is going into the house alone to investigate. You, dear readers, know I should not click on unknown websites, and you are shaking your collective head in dismay and terror. But I did. I did click on it. You must know I did. And I explored that message board. It was all about women and bodybuilding. I posted a thank-you. The message boarders received me friendlily. Maybe too friendlily.

I kept getting traffic from the message board. Why are they so interested in my stupid story? I wondered. I dug deeper into the site, curious to know more about the place. Most of the posts were from men, and some of them started asking more personal questions. Hmmm . . . this was a little strange. And then it dawned on me—this was a fetish site.

A fetish site? I was being highlighted on a fetish site? Now this was something really new for me. I’m about as sexy as a carpool mom on Saturday morning (cf. Chess Hot). Never have I been the subject of fetish. So, now I was slightly stunned and I must admit intrigued.

When I shared it with Sister of Shark Girl, she got really excited. She started drawing up plans to go big with this whole thing. She now wants to monetize Shark Girl BJJ and sell subscribers videos and other stuff. (Sister is the corporate one; she often runs with ideas and takes them to their money-making end. Like the time we picked up stray balls at a nearby golf course and sold them back to the golfers. This is why she works in banking.)
Anyway, the buzz has died down. As the weeks roll by, I get fewer and fewer hits from my little message board. But I will never forget that, for a while, a short while, I was not some suburban mom dragging my kids to activities and losing my shit at overflowing toilets and battling boys. I was not waxing my mustache and hiding grey roots. I was a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Goddess who could sweep you into submission, put on a rear naked choke, and never, never let you forget you’re a ...    
 
 bloke?
 
Oh, and don’t worry. I’m not going to go all soft-core on you. I can’t sell videos and remain anonymous. But I think this whole experience has added to my caché: International Woman of Mystery and Soft-Core Porn Star. It has a ring to it.


6 comments:

  1. So... "If you can't stave off the weirdness, try to monetize it?"

    I applaud the humor of this. Better to keep that mindset instead of just going "Ick!"

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  2. You...CRACK me up! This is a hilarious post. I just updated my own blog after a 3-4 month sabbatical. Glad to be reading my fellow bloggers again. Hope all is well with you!

    Dag

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    1. Missed you! It must be all that SWAT training.

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  3. I totally need to use that phrase What the Deuce. Classic.

    Yes, I know EXACTLY the guys you are talking about. I get those same guys sending me messages online as well - asking if I've ever dominated another man, or if I could respect a man that I could beat. My response: wtf!

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    1. The interaction really was much more civil and respectful than I expected... In fact, when the original poster asked me a question I thought was none of his beans, I explained that, and he was really appreciative. What I really hate are the people who out of the blue ask me to send them a video of myself. Do they even read my blog? Hello...
      a-NON-y-mous!

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