I’m a petite lady. I have confessed that I stand 4’11” and weigh 105# on a good day. I do not have a lot of extra fat on me, especially since I started BJJ. I’m not skinny—rather I am muscular, in a petite sort of way, not burgeoning, but strong for a woman of my age. I have been genetically endowed with the calves of one of those old ladies you might see walking the webby streets of a hilly, rural Italian town—calves hardened by years of walking up and down stone medieval steps. If you cut these ladies’ legs off at the knees, you could club a barbarian to death with the meat of their calves. Yep. Those are my sexy, sexy, calves. I need this preface because otherwise those of you who know Shark Girl—or have ever looked at my profile pic—will uproar protest at what I am about to say next. You will think I have that “little girl fat complex,” but I don’t have it. Not today, anyway. What I do have is a muffin top.
A muffin top can be common over 40 and when one has had two kids. I’m not making excuses for my muffin top. In my opinion, anything even tangentially related to real muffins needs no apology. When I was 20, I had no muffin top. Now my skin hangs awkwardly from my body, much like the clothes I wore in my 20s fit me now—odd drapage in all the wrong places. Up until last night, I hadn’t seen the muffin top as a benefit.
Last Night
During nogi sparring, I found myself in a pickle. A jam. My opponent had isolated my arm! How did I let that happen? What could I do? My other arm was too slippery to grab. My pants were too tight. So, I grabbed . . . my flab roll. I am not kidding. I grabbed my flab roll to keep from getting kimuraed. Or Americanaed. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Did you read me? I grabbed my effing flab roll. I can’t tell whether this was a high point or a low point in my jiu jitsu career. Was it a creative use of resources? Or an act of desperation? Genius? Or idiocy? I don’t really know.
Afterthoughts
I hope this opens up a whole new world of escapes for you. For me, once I realized what I had done, I busted out laughing and the roll was over. Not the flab roll. That’s still there.
ROFL! That has got to be the funniest rolling story I have ever heard. I laughed so hard my eyes are still watering. It's nice to know "mature" ladies such as ourselves have some sort of advantage!
ReplyDeleteO M G You are KILLING me. Excellent excellent excellent.
ReplyDeleteHah - brilliant! Next step, choke someone out using your flab roll, then give your new flab roll choke technique an awesome name. :D
ReplyDeleteI am dying...I nominate this for most honest BJJ post of the year...and I will be trying it on my own pastry-related fluff tomorrow.
ReplyDelete" Everyone knows the most delicious part of the muffin is the top."
ReplyDeleteNow I'm making 30 Rock references on other blogs. Alas, the song is probably most hilarious in the context of the episode. Regardless, I hope you sing that to yourself the next time you use this move. Embrace the muffin top!
My muffin top was all that!
ReplyDeleteI heart 30 Rock. Please drop references whenever you wish! Besides, Tina Fey and I share meaty calves.
I confess I have grabbed the flab on the inside of my thigh to defend a kimura. GAAAHHHH!!!
ReplyDeleteWonderfulness :)
ReplyDeleteI cracked up at this - I am not showing an inch of my stretchmarked baby stomach to anyone. You couldn't pay me a million dollars to do it. I wear a simple swimsuit with good tight breast coverage. Some of the guys have guts on them, I have noticed - it is just not the same thing. And they don't seem to care anyway. LOL.
ReplyDeleteYou are right--there's a huge difference between mommy belly and beer gut. Perhaps it's the television role models. We never see sit-coms with mommy-bellied "fun" gals married to arrestingly handsome trophy husbands.
ReplyDeleteMy husband would point out that in some alternate reality where motherhood was culturally valued, mommy belly would be a sign of prestige and would command respect. (this is why I love him)
I am lol-ing right now thinking about your gutty male classmates wearing a tank bathing suit!
Major pet hate of mine: on TV and film, men can be funny, silly, ugly, handsome, fat, muscular, nerdy, etc. Women are almost always only allowed to be 'pretty' and even then only according to TV-land's conception of social norms.
ReplyDeleteClearly allowing a female character to actually HAVE character would cause most studio execs' heads to explode.