Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What Can $500 Buy?

  •  Half of a visit to the mechanic for my time-weathered Volvo Wagon
  • A week at summer rock’n’roll camp for 8-Year Old
  • Almost 5 months of BJJ classes
  • My father once said, “I can do a lot of steering for $500.” He was haggling for a car and that’s how much extra the power steering cost. Of course, he said it in an Italian accent, so that made it funny.
  •  5 Stub Hubbed tickets to the Chris Cornell concert that Husband was too sick to take me to. Yep. Those 3rd row, aisle seats sat empty thanks to bronchitis.
  • 7 pairs of running sneakers
  • 5 Pokemon Blacks and 5 Pokemon Whites
  • 10 spa pedicures, without tip
  • 33 pounds of prosciutto di Parma from my favorite Italian store
  • 45 pairs of frilly underwear
  • One hundred foofy Starbucks coffees
  • 335 containers of Greek-style yogurt

And . . . one mouth guard custom-made by my friendly, neighborhood dentist.

Shark Girl just got the notice that, no, her insurance did not want to kick in any money, thank you. So, unless Shark Girl wants to continue risking dental gaps, she’s got to fork out 500 smackers for a mouth guard. (If you recall, Shark Girl is much too dainty for the commercial mouth guards one can buy in the local sporting goods store. Sigh.)

I broke the news to Husband gently. He frowned.
“Yup. I know, it’s a lot.”
“Do you really need one? Really?”
Now, one of the things I love about Husband is that he’s not really concerned that I meet some beauty standard. If I never shaved my legs again, he wouldn’t say anything. It would be a non-event. “You shave your legs, you don’t. What’s the difference?” He doesn’t quite understand why I like to hide the blossoming gray population in my hair. If I look like I just stepped out of a salon, he doesn’t notice. But what he would notice, and care about, is missing teeth.
“What if you don’t get it?” he asked.
“Well, I could lose a tooth.”
Not a moment’s hesitation on his part: “Oh. Okay. You need to get it, then.”
“It will be my birthday present,” I assure him. And after a pause, “And yours, too. You can’t have a toothless wife.”

Happy Birthday to me.

PS: Spellcheck just suggested I substitute “prostitute” for “prosciutto.” Since I don’t know how many of those $500 can buy, I think I’ll leave the prosciutto.


  1. In some situations, a toothless wife could be a good thing...

    Ok - it's still overkill to have that mouthguard, but I wish you the best and that your teeth don't ever budge.

  2. $500 is a lot better than what the dental bill could add up to.

  3. Love that list! (And spellcheck's ideas.)

    I also can't wear commercial mouthguards, not even the kids' sizes. :o

  4. A $50 spa pedicure?!?! You need to come to Austin-- they're $25 at my salon. With a hot rock massage and everything! :)

    What is a Pokemon black? or a white? I know what Pokemon is, barely...

  5. @Tree Frog: Thanks for the well wishes on my teeth. I suffered through two years of braces for this smile.

    @F-Mers: Right? I think insurance should fork over some loot.

    @Leslie: You have a custom, right? Do you like it?

    @Georgette: I'll be right down. We could get pedis and then ruin them on the mat! : ) Pokemon Black and White are the latest (re?)releases for the Nintendo hand-held gaming system. If it sounds like I am speaking with too much authority on this, I assure you it is only because I have an Almost 9-year old, not because I am some 40-year-old gamer playing 9-year old games. I wouldn't know a water type if it came up and splashed me.

  6. Yes, I have a custom mouthguard. I like it. Most days, it's comfortable. (But I have a very, very low gag reflex, so there are still times when it feels like too much.) It wouldn't be any good for actual striking -- there's no cushioning at all -- but for all those moments where my teeth get knocked together, it works great.

  7. $500! Wow. I paid £1 for my basic boil and bite mouthguard about twelve years ago, when I first started kung fu at uni, and haven't bought a new one since.

    Of course, I've never tried a posh mouthguard: it would be interesting to experience the difference, but I can't see myself ever stumping up the cash.


Shark Girl Is Ready to Pull the Plug on Her "New" Gym

I need your jiu jitsu therapy again, o vast and all-knowing readers.  About a year Before Covid (BC), my native gym closed down--the one whe...