Friday, October 21, 2016

Mo Milk, Mo Problems Or, Shark Girl’s Bougie Coffee Dilemma

As an aging practitioner of jiu jitsu, I find it more important than ever to watch what I put in my body.

Like, I'm watching these Cheez-Its very carefully as I stuff them in my mouth.

For a few years now, I have been on the alert to cow’s milk. Too much causes my system . . . distress . . . to put it politely. I have been limiting my consumption of milk and cheese, and it has been good for the environment.

Last year, in a bid to find out whether I had an actual intolerance to milk, I tried to do a breath test with my GI. That didn’t work out too well. I almost passed out doing the  carb-deprivation prep and couldn’t take the test.

This year I am seeing a naturopath. We decided to cut out milk for a while and see what happens.

After two weeks, I felt like my morning fog cleared up. I had no bloating, even during my period. I felt “skinny.” I missed milk and milk products immensely. I craved cheese and delighted in sneaking cookies that I “couldn’t really be sure” contained butter. And I substituted soy milk in my morning cappuccino. Not great, but tolerable.

Then, the soy started affecting me worse than the milk. I tried almond milk—ick in coffee. (Two bitters do not make a right!) Then I tried coconut milk—it was like drinking water with a little coffee powder sprinkled in.

That's real milk on the left, folks, and all the others on the right!
Alas, because I couldn’t find a proper substitute, I went back to milk in my morning capp. And it didn’t stop there. Hell, after my milk-deprivation I went crazy and made a fabulous pasta with cream sauce, peas and prosciutto. Then I ate all sorts of my favorite cheeses like cheddar and manchego. I wolfed down cookie dough by the spoonful and then the cookies that actually got made. Mom’s lasagna? Seconds, please. Ben & Jerry’s? It would be rude to say no. It was a backlash that would give Bossie a concussion.

I think I am finally ready to try going milkless again after my bender, but I need your help. I am writing to you, Gentle Readers, to ask you two questions:

 1) What are your experiences with milk, on and off the wagon?

  2) What the hell can I put in my morning cappuccino that will make my naturopath, my digestive system, and my inner foodie happy? I am not going black in the AM, folks. That is barbaric.


  1. Yeppers. Same here. Excessive milk leads to bloating, creeping weight gain, and low energy. I'm okay with full fat, plain, greek yogurt for breakfast (the FAGE brand), but other than that, I don't consume any dairy. For morning coffee, try almond milk, coconut milk, or flaxseed milk.

    1. I love Greek yogurt...but not only do I think that bothered me, too, but I have high cholesterol. Actually, changing from 2% to skim milk in my capp (and switching from Greek yogurt to oatmeal for breakfast) brought my cholesterol down to where my doctor was not urging me to get on meds. : (

  2. **formerly known as Dagney Taggert. I'm writing under my real name now. Very naked!

    1. Yay! Dagney! I missed you! Hope you are well!!!!!

  3. I looooove dairy. It's the best thing ever, particularly when it's cheese. Few things terrify me as much as the idea of suddenly becoming lactose intolerant.

    I used to have way more milk, as I'd eat cereal for breakfast every morning (and sometimes for lunch too, cereal is awesome). However, my milk intake has cut way down as I now have a smoothie for breakfast and lunch instead. Not because I'm actively trying to cut down on milk, but because it's the only way I can willingly get vegetables into my body.

    Vegetables are universally disgusting (most fruit too), but in a smoothie, I don't have to taste (or feel, I hate the texture of vegetables too) them, because it's covered up by the strawberries/bananas/grapes/blueberries. Hooray! :D.

    And yes, I do have the taste buds of a five year old. On the plus side, that means I also don't like coffee or alcohol. ;)

    1. Way to rub it in!!!!! : ) I think I am going to cry in some liquor.


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