Try walking into that same gym as a brown belt.
Yep. That’s me. My gym finally closed, a year later than expected. My coach awarded me a brown belt, years earlier than deserved, in my opinion.
And now I start from scratch. At a new gym. Where everyone knows everyone else’s name, but illogically, I am the highest belt other than the coach.
Everyone has been practicing their style of Jiu Jitsu, so different from mine, and I’ve got to catch up.
Everyone has had real, serious coaching and goes to competitions. And I, well, I just love a good roll, hate being crushed, and have learned not to care much about submissions because sometimes they cause more trouble for a girl on the mat unless you have a real good relationship with your partner.
Everyone expects me to be awesome and I suck.
Everyone expects me to have something to teach them, and I don’t.
I stopped writing posts a while ago because I felt this blog’s purpose was served. I started it as a white belt so many years ago, looking for support to go into that gym every night. I vowed to give it three months. You all, dear readers, kept me going and I fell in love.
Now I am back in the same spot, needing your help to walk back into a gym week after week. I have vowed to give it a year. Some nights I want to cry. Some nights I feel the bile creep up in my esophagus and my pulse quicken an hour before class. Of course, there are some moments of joy, too, but they feel fleeting and disconnected, overshadowed by everything else.
Shark Girl is back. But she’s bad.
Shark Girl you're back. This is just growing pains, they hurt but you end up taller and stronger. Stay stubborn.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your moral support! It helped me go to class both confidently and humbly last night. I kept repeating to myself, "Stay stubborn!" And then I thought, "How does Anonymous know I am stubborn??!?"
DeleteLast night was the first time I left class feeling like I owned some part of my brown belt. I am not through this. But it was good to have a moment of confidence. It radiated into my day today.
The stubborn part is implicit in the middle-aged-woman-training-BJJ-since-2010.
DeleteGlad you had a good moment. Keep brown-belting it up.
lol! I will do my best!
DeleteI just moved as a late purple belt (managed to avoid that last-minute brown, but it was close) and while I landed at a gym that has a few other women, they're all much less experienced and I'm having some of the same issues, it's a weird flashback to the struggle I thought I'd overcome years ago. Especially since this gym has more depth on the purple and brown bench, and as always they're all so damn big. I've gone back to my early blue belt approach: play the long game, find the details, don't quit, and on a day to day basis I find the things I actually AM better at, and those small victories while rolling. What's encouraging is there's more of them that are tangible than a few years ago, when I felt like I was cheating and just looking for a consolation prize when I found those "small victories." It still feels like that a little bit, but if I can tell other women in that same, earlier phase that they really do know things and are good at jiu jitsu it just manifests differently than others their experience level - and truly mean it - then I figure it's probably true for us, too, and we just don't see it yet. Hang in there, and I love the "stay stubborn" advice above. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is so helpful! I hope things are going well for you at your new place. I am working harder than I ever had right now trying to feel like I deserve my brown belt. It is so exhausting and frustrating. I guess I am guilty as charged--stubborn af. : )
DeleteI got a black eye tonight but otherwise it is going well (stray elbow, what are ya gonna do lol). It's just exhausting and frustrating re-proving the badassery that is the tiny jiu jitsu fiend. We are awesome, we just don't always feel like it when we get picked up, bench pressed, and otherwise played with. I'm not even worrying about the brown right now, I'm just trying to refine the jiu jitsu "I'm small but mighty but also a hobbyist kind of" identity. We'll get there.
DeletePS I'm actually referencing your blog from a few years ago to a teammate who just entered her first betrayal phase - you know, the one where we realize size doesn't matter is fake and also boys are big and it's dumb sometimes. So thanks for sharing, it makes a difference and helped me out when I was an early blue belt. Glad you're still plucking along. :)
DeleteYeah, the size thing. I thought I had it figured out, too. At my old gym we tried to keep it in perspective. I think you are inspiring a new blogpost... I started to write it here, but maybe I'll take it to the post. Thanks for reading! You are keeping me honest.
DeleteI would hate to have to move to a new gym, especially as an upper belt. Kudos to you for doing it with grace.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ruben! I'm not sure how graceful I am. But I'm working on it!
ReplyDeleteHa - VERY belated congrats on the brown belt, I just saw this! Also, I am very amused that you've caught up to my rank, shows what a slow learner I am. I think you were a white belt when I first started reading your blog, when I was a purple IIRC? ;D
ReplyDeleteWell, I call my brown belt a social promotion. I am kind of in a jiu jitsu midlife crisis right now.
ReplyDelete