Saturday, December 7, 2013

Shark Girl's Top Ten: Christmas List 2013

Are you searching for something for that special someone who can choke the Thanksgiving stuffing out of you with her legs? Or maybe you want something really special so that she doesn't choke the stuffing out of you with her legs. Or maybe that's your thing and you want her to choke you out with her legs, but she won't do it unless you get her something really special. Hey, there’s no judging here. Just get her a damn gift, will you?
     If your jiu jitsu lady is like me, any of the following will get you what you want:

1.      A new gi bag. The one Shark Girl has is really spent. It looks like it has been sparring for three years instead of me!

2.      Some good sparring partners. You read my last post and feel sorry for me. Now come and spar with me, damn it! I don't stink or bite . . . too much.

3.      More time. For everything. More time to write, more time to train, more time to sleep. More time for everything in general. Fake things that give me more time not needed. For example, do not give me an afternoon away from my kids because spending time with my kids is my maternal responsibility--I would just have to make that up. I actually want more time than everyone else has. I want everyone to freeze in time except for me for a few hours every day while I become super productive or get more ZZZs. So if you are Dr. Who, or happen to know him, get on it, will you?

4.      New hair ties. Ones that will securely hold my thick, shortish hair, but will not pull it all out when I remove them. Whatever happened to those old Goody elastics? Nothing held my hair like them and I can't find them anywhere, except in my bathroom and these are circa1988. 

5.      Crocs. There I said it. I never, ever thought I would say it. But, yes, I want these  
Crocs. Wait, let me explain: When I go to the gym, I don’t want the hassle of socks. In the summer, I wear flip flops. But in the winter, my feet will freeze without socks. I just want to put my bare feet into something warm and snuggly that I can wear outside in winter and that can handle gym sweat like my summer flippies. These ones come with a removable, washable lining. Remember—I said no judging!

6.      Someone to put my NAGA license plate surround on my car. I'm too lazy to do it myself. And nothing says soccer mom like an “I’d rather be choking you out” license plate.

7.      Healthy snacks. I eat like crap. When I come home from school I am a garbage pit of salty, greasy, corn-syrup injected, nutrient-devoid goodies. I am starving and eat anything in sight. Usually I move from food group to food group, starting with some tortilla chips, then pillaging my kids’ leftover Halloween candy, and ending with some pretzels, throwing in some hummus just to be healthy. For dessert I have cheese and crackers. If I've hit rock bottom, I break out the CheezIts and don't stop until the whole box is consumed. Clearly I need something right there and ready, no prep involved (please don't suggest fruit, that’s insulting). It has to be good and satisfying and warm on my palate because I'm weird like that and it's winter, almost, for God’s sake. Who eats fruit in winter? That's for people living near the Equator or who have enough money to fly in produce from Chile. Now you see why I get so depressed this time of year. It's a freaking carb fest over here.

8.      Ibuprofen, the Big Bottle. Shark Girl’s migraines are back with a vengeance.

9.      A dark navy blue gi for women. I salivate every time I see this color. I have to have it! The only navy gi I’ve seen for women is this Fenom, and it’s out of stock. I like the Tatami even better with its contrast patches, but alas, they have kept the ladies out of their navy party. Is there anyone else who makes that sweet, sweet color I crave so much?
10.  New Gi “Undershirts.” The go-to safeguards of Shark Girl’s modesty (i.e., the tank tops she wears under her gis) have seen better days. They are tattered and torn, ripped and shredded from my crazy mat tumbling and awkward take-downs. (just like SG, lol!) I prefer my tank tops simple and white [If it weren’t offensive, I would insert a joke here about how I like my men.]. Also, don’t give me any of that polyester crap. I had enough of that in the ‘70s.
Old Sharky’s under-gi wear preference is a tank top so she doesn’t overheat.

So, take my list and run with it. Let me know how it goes, and, Ladies, please add your most desired items! Happy Holidays to all!


  1. Hair ties: have you tried buying a pair of black support pantyhose and cutting the legs into 2 or 3 inch strips? This creates a set of nice ponytail holders that are gentle on your hair. (No one can tell they're ghetto... they just look like black bands.)

  2. Savege, I have never even heard of this trick. You are a genius. I hereby update my list to include 1 pair of black support hose, size XS. Who knew? I'll let you know how it works out.

  3. I wish I could take credit, but I got the trick from a hairstylist. I've been using them for twenty years on my long hair. They won't hold through something as rough as BJJ, but for other purposes they work great.

    1. Oh, bummer. I need something strong enough for BJJ, but gentle enough for a woman!!!

  4. Funny list, I like your style of writing too. Nice & dry sense of humor. Kind of similar to me I think.

    As far as your list goes:

    Rolling partners - so, so crucial. For motivation, for goal setting, challenges, friendship. Probably the most important thing for bjj development.

    More time? Not a wise choice my friend. It would be a curse. Sure it sounds great but a person would go insane. It'd be like that old Twilight Zone episode where Burgess Meredith wished every human gone so he could be alone and read in peace. It happened and then he broke his glasses on the steps to the library. And no kids, no vampires or werewolves.

    Crocs? Well there goes any shot at a relationship.

    I do like them navy blue colors lately, I really like it when it is accented with like white piping or stitches.

    Again great post. If you have time and have ditched the crocs, maybe head on over.

    1. LOL! You mean you would pass up all this woman for a pair of Crocs? *sigh*
      I remember that Twilight Zone...pretty creepy. But really, give me more time!
      Thanks for your compliments. Maybe I will visit, but SG is anonymous, so you will know it is me because I will be wearing Crocs!!! (If anyone is reading this list . . . color matters; I want the pewter. No Pepto Bismol, please.)

  5. I have something to share with you, because I too was considering the dreaded Crocs, for much the same reason (although just for summer in my case). Very unusually, the UK had a hot summer. BUT there is an alternative! These.

    Been very happy with mine so far. :D

    1. Wow! Very cute. But they lack the warm, snuggly fur I need to keep my feet warm in three feet of snow. Sorry, but I'm still eyeing the Crocs, unless anyone can talk me out of it. . . .

  6. This has forced me to make my own list! I like yours a lot, too! I don't have any snide or awkward comments about crocs, though: whatever floats your boat and keeps you training!

    Would a training partner also put your license plate cover on your car? That could forseeably kill 2 birds with 1 stone!

    Also, they sell the Goody no pull elastic hair ties at Target (at least in California). I buy them for my wife at least once a year.

    Anyway, I hope you get all you've asked for!

    1. Thank you! And I hope you get everything on your list, too. Now if ONLY Husband would read my blog, I'd be all set!


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