Oh, yes I did. I did a bad thing tonight. And I feel terrible.
Class was great, until then. I was learning more armbars and practicing. Then we started sparring. The Old Boys taught me new tricks and gave me a good run. As the night closed, I asked SMEWB if he wanted to roll. He was sweating and obviously tired. I was breaking a sweat, but not exhausted. The Old Boys don’t roll so hard on me, plus I’ve got my runner’s endurance. He accepted, a little reluctantly. We rolled.
I have fun rolling with SMEWB because it clearly is a challenge. Our skill levels are close and he is not a great, big guy. He got in my guard and I tried to choke him. He countered with a forearm to my neck, so I released the choke. Then we grappled around for position. He was mostly on top. I have trouble getting out from underneath. I consciously practiced my elbow-knee escapes. A couple of times he gave up his hips to my feet and I Flying Exited him. He tried to armbar me and I wriggled out. Somehow I ended up on top. I went for a choke. He put up his shoulder and all those armbars came back to me. I grabbed his arm, quickly spun around, nailed the armbar. He tapped.
And then “it” happened. I heard the word escape my mouth before I could close it. “Yesssss!” I squeezed through my teeth, kind of a whisper, with the final esses hissing victory. And I felt immediately horrible. I couldn’t take it back. I couldn’t say anything. That would make it worse. I imagine that dialog would go something like: “Excuse me! I just gloated over my win. I’m so sorry—you must feel emasculated.” “Oh, no, it’s nothing, really.” So, I simply thanked him for a great roll and wished him a Merry Christmas. (I know he celebrates, so at least that was not a faux pas.)
When I got home I told Husband about it.
“I feel so bad.”
“Oh. Yeah. That was bad,” said Husband.
“Oh, my God, really? Was it really that bad? Tell me it wasn’t.”
“No, it was. You can’t do that. You’re ‘the girl.’ They’ve got egos. No one’s going to want to spar with you if you do that.”
“I know, I know. But it just came out. I couldn’t control it. I wasn’t expecting to win and it was a hard fight.”
“Well, I don’t know. What do I know? I think it’s bad, though.”
Yep. I think it was bad, too. I have a feeling I’m going to pay for that “Yesssss!” And I deserve it.
Hey this is Alison! You husband told me you are taking BJJ and about this blog. We just read this entry and I just want to say "You go girl!!!!!" I think it's awesome you are doing this for yourself, and I can see how this will allow you to grow positively physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It was very inspiring to read, and I see nothing wrong with your "Yesssssss" I would have said the same thing :-)
ReplyDeleteShark Girl- Don't beat yourself up. Sounds like your celebration was within reason and did not include a garish display of screaming and fist pumping. Anyway, think of the reverse situation. if someone was excited because they FINALLY tapped you, that's a huge compliment to your skill.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the moments of triumph, because lord knows BJJ delivers enough hours of soul crushing frustration.
No, no fist pumps. I could restrain myself that much. I do not like to cause said "soul-crushing frustration," but hopefully he can take it as a compliment.
ReplyDeleteMerry Everything, Training Partner! You have been a source of inspiration over the last few weeks.
@Alison: Welcome!
ReplyDeleteThe first time I ever was able to get into full mount I raised both my hands in a Rocky Balboa YEAH!!!!! motion. I was so damn proud of myself.
ReplyDeleteCelebrate your victories and be proud of your accomplishments! Of course, it's helpful not to be a d-bag, but saying "yesssss" is not such a d-bag move. Really. Your partners will be fine. BJJ has a sort of saying--leave your ego at the door. So if your partners haven't, then yes, they will be butt-hurt that a girl got a sub on them. If they have, they'll be pleased with your accomplishment too and celebrate with you.
GOOD JOB!!!
@Julia: Thank you, thank you! You are so right about the ego @ the door. We should celebrate each other's victories.
ReplyDelete