Sunday, December 4, 2011

Shark Girl’s Top Ten: What to Get Your Jiu Jitsu Girlfriend for Christmas, Hanukkah, or Any Other Gift-Giving Occasion Coming Up in the Next Few Weeks

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! But if you don’t get your Jiu Jitsu Girlfriend (Lover, Spouse, etc.) the right gift, you’ll pay for it in armbars. Here are some suggestions from Shark Girl’s list this year.

1.   A new gi.
Hers is getting stinky. (When in doubt, buy the smaller size. Trust me.)

 2.  Frilly Underwear.
For her and you. Do not get her “sexy lingerie” unless she is under 30. To a 20-something, sexy lingerie says, “He wants me!” To anyone older it says, “We don’t do it enough,” and is really a criticism. Besides, the work required to put on some of those contraptions and all the effort they demand post-donning will make her run to the nearest women’s-only relaxation room. (See #3 below.)

3.   Gift Certificate for a Massage.
Her muscles are tired from all that jiu jitsu! Usually there’s a relaxation room, so she can recover if you did not listen to Shark Girl’s advice in #2.
Please don't do the home version. You're not that good, and she knows what you expect afterward!
 4.  Jiu-Jitsu University by Saulo Ribeiro.
I can’t believe she doesn’t have this yet. But she doesn’t, and who doesn’t love Saulo?
5.  A Snarky Jiu Jitsu T-Shirt.
She’ll never buy it for herself, but secretly wants to wear one. Get her a Ladies’ size. Men’s (or “unisex”) makes her look frumpy. Shark Girl is extra small, by the way.

6.   A new sports bra.
You are probably thinking, “Nothing says I love you like a new sports bra? WTF, SG?” First of all, stop talking in texting, you are not 13. (Unless you are 13. But then you should find a different list for your girlfriend. This one is for mature audiences only.) Second of all, she needs one and will be glad that you are thinking of her breasts not in that way. Plus, a sports bra beats the potholders Husband got me a few Christmases ago. (Unfortunately, Shark Girl is also extra small here, but when in doubt, buy the bigger size.)

7.   A great nail clipper.
A jiu jitsu girl has to keep her nails trimmed constantly, and if she bought a cheap clipper like I did, she’s tired of putting it back together after every use. (Stocking Stuffer only.)

8. Gift Certificate to Her Favorite Hair Salon.
She needs a cute, short-do so she doesn’t have to tap for pulled hair. Shark Girl’s salon bill has tripled since she had to add “dye job” to the construction list. Looking this great takes cashola, baby.

She's got jiu jitsu arms!
9.   A babysitter.
Then take her out to a bitchin’ dinner. All that jiu jitsu makes her hungry. If you couple this with #2 and some wine, there’s no telling what could happen. Just bring the babysitter home first.

10.   A portable mat.
So she can practice on you at home without your complaints that she’s hurting you because there’s no mat. Man up, or pony up, bro!

Ladies, please add your suggestions. Gift Buyers, if you choose something from the list, keep Shark Girl posted on how it goes!


  1. Awesome list!

    I want a kettlebell for Christmas.

  2. rash guard and shorts for no gi.

  3. Benefit of being blissfully divorced - I gave Saulo to mySELF... ;)

    Much nicer than the blenders and such every Christmas and birthday, kitchen appliances for the kitchen appliance.

    How about this one, if she already has JJU?

    Also, travel vouchers and hotel gift certificates for attending Events!


    also excellent for the smaller ladies.

  5. These are great ideas! Keep 'em coming. Husband is reading.

  6. I second both of Anonymous's comments-- the first one, that Passing the Guard book, is one of a 3 volume set, all of which (imho) set the standard for excellent BJJ bookage. (Frankly I think they're more a must-have than the Saulo one, which I know is heresy but still.) Also, the Emily Kwok set is a-maz-ing.

    Scramble's "spats" (grappling tights.)

    Black Eagle's Predadora female-fit gi is the best gi on the planet for ladies with curvy bottoms. Plenty of room for junk in the trunk without being baggy in the crotch; doesn't shrink; perfectly fitted jacket; stays bright white (and no pink!)'

    A new and unique rashguard-- sublimation dyed pictures of tropical beaches, coral reefs, or tattoo-like chrysanthemums, Japanese woodcuts etc:

  7. @Georgette *saves tights link* Yes, the 3-set includes The Guard, Passing the Guard and Strategic Guard. I'd like to thank Slideyfoot for recommending the books, as well (including Saulo's). There is so much stuff out there, overwhelming, and he was very helpful in separating out the good ones with his suggestions.

    Another idea. A girl once recommended "permanent" eyebrows and eyeliner, if you are frightening people in the grocery store with your Wild Woman of Borneo look when stopping at Pathmark or wherever to pick up milk for the kids on the way back from class...I had the unpleasant experience of attracting a few remarks on my mauled appearance. Such remarks might bother some people.

  8. p.s. on that lovely lady's jiu jitsu arms, you need to photoshop black, blue and green spots all over them and some lumpy muscles. 8-D

  9. Love the suggestions. lol @ the permanent eyebrows. Not even that would stopped the raised looks I get in the grocery store.

    @Anon: definitely...she must have used make-up to cover her spots!

  10. Oh, for beauty advice-- I can highly recommend eyelash extensions, though pricey they are amazing for making your eyes look big and Bambi-esque, and no need for mascara. The downside, aside from cost, is that about 6 months' wear will result in very short natural lashes, and it takes about 2 months to grow them back in to anything remotely resembling normal. So it's lush for a special treat but I wouldn't do it all the time.

    In lieu of that, dyeing your lashes black is a more appealing (to me) alternative to tattooing eyebrows and eyeliner onto my face... most aestheticians do eyelash (and eyebrow) tinting for about $20-25...

    I also happen to love Shellac manicures, which really truly do last a full 2 weeks (they're just as shiny and unscratched as brand new.) Too bad we have to keep our nails short! But short nails in a glossy red are HOT!

  11. I need one of those shellac jobs for my toes. Do they rub off on the mat?

  12. Wouldn't eyelash extensions come off? I can't imagine wearing those while grappling? But I don't know anything about them. Enlighten me!

    I don't do anything with my hands or feet or the nails on either of them except for hatcheting the nails down to nothing. Hands and feet look like I should be squatting somewhere calling "Who’s that trotting over my bridge?”

    I confess to concealer and waterproof eyeliner though. With a brush of mineral powder over top, these "mainly stay put" through all the sweating and mashing.

  13. I've never done eyelash extensions, so can't help you there. They sound so decadent, don't they? Wish I had a reason to get them. Most of the time I'm schlepping kids from aftercare programs and wondering how soon I can change into my jammies.

    thanks for the mascara tip. Most of the time I don't even wear that because it can irritate my contacts. Wonder if the powder would help?

  14. Yeah, as for me personally, I don't know how much beauty stuff I'd do. Like I said, just enough not to scare people in the grocery store. But age and kids do put beauty into perspective. Picture this: Last time I was at the club, I witnessed a dino-sized roach doing the spinning back move we'd learned (but not stopping, he just kept going around and around in a circle on his way to wherever roaches go when they die) right next to the mats. Musta been about 3" long, no ****! Everyone just stepped over him. And he was the live one. The rest of them had...."passed on". One guy I roll with, picture him, great technique and nerves of ice, backbone type guy, but youngish. That night he was silhouetted in a standing pose, on a break, watching everyone else while diligently picking and flicking. Right onto the mats! Being a mom, of course I caught his eye and gave him a Look, but he just grinned. Dustbunnies were growing like emboldened triffids in the corners. Drink bottles, sweat and four-letter words. Analogies that would probably not be tolerated in many places I can think of. The occasional delicate flash of plumber's bottom. Yes, we clean up occasionally. It's whoever can't stand it the most that gets stuck with it. So given that environment, beauty discussions take on a surreal dimension in my mind, like...

  15. Wow! That sounds like one . . . interestingly hygienic club!

    I'm no beauty queen, either. Mostly because if I wear make-up every day, then on the day I forget, people will think I look horrid. When I do put a little lip-shine on, ka-pow! (Actually, i think I've forgotten how to apply make-up, so I probably look like a low-buck hooker.)

  16. Makeup does start looking "not quite right" on you when you get older, I have noticed. It kind of just sits on top of your face and slides off it sideeways and doesn't transform you into Cinderella anymore. I'm dealing with this ageing woman thing in my own way, I guess. Like a guy. 8-D "Go out and prove you can still kick some ***!" Rather than heading for the plastic surgeon or something.


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