Saturday, December 18, 2010

More Joy, Less Fear

 This trial has officially taken over my life.

Today at the hair salon, I did something I said I would not do. Ever. To be fair, I didn’t go all the way. But I did reference “grappling” as a reason that I wanted my hair shorter. Is this a slippery slope? Will I be shaving my head next? And then growing one of those stylish goatees?

And I am considering taking a class at another place while I am visiting my parents over Christmas. (Now, I know Dagney is going to proclaim LUV, LUV, LUV. Sometimes others see it before we see it ourselves.) I’m afraid that if I miss a week I’m going to get my ass handed to me on the mat when I return.

My husband took me to task tonight.
“You shouldn’t be motivated out of fear,” he said.
 “But I am!” I replied.
“You should be motivated from joy! Fear’s the wrong reason. You need to explore this. It’s a growing edge.” (Okay, for those of you who missed that my husband is a minister, this last statement probably brought you up to speed pretty quickly.)
“What if overcoming fear gives me joy?” I weakly responded. Weakly because my fear seems to shift from week to week. Fear of going to class. Fear of not going to class. It seems I do more fearing than overcoming.

The new gi came in the mail today. I went to open the package and Husband grabbed it out of my hands. “It’s for Christmas!” he shouted. “I have to wrap it and put it under the tree!” No matter that I picked it out and ordered it myself.

As we close in on the holidays, I wish you all more joy and less fear in the New Year.


  1. Oh, I laughed out loud when I read this, I really do reveal a lot about myself in my writing, because I DID say, "Yes! You should while out of town!"

    As for the hair cut, the new gi, the reference to grappling, it's all so good. I love it when women find the gems in the BJJ world.

    Keep training! ......;>

  2. It takes a while to get over that fear, so that's pretty common in my experience. Fear of getting worse, fear of getting smashed, fear of rolling with that guy who keeps passing your guard like it's made of tissue paper, etc.

    Best thing is to try and avoid viewing sparring as anything other than a laboratory where you can experiment with technique.

    That way, it doesn't matter if you get your ass handed to you or not, as long as you learn something about the technique you wanted to work (e.g., "ok, so when I put my hand there and pushed like this for the escape, she did that and passed. This time, I'll try using my elbow there, and shrimp out like this..." etc).

    As to the hair, I'm guessing you've already read this, but brg did a great post.

  3. @Slidey: Thanks for the hair link. I have settled for a Pippi Longstocking look. On a rough day even that gets abluster. My husband is like, "What happened to you?"

    As for the lab, I agree and while my head knows this my heart struggles with perfectionism. I think that's going to be my next post...the result of my husband's forced introspection.

  4. Read that post. Yep, sounds familiar! I am not alone.

  5. I ended up with thick bangs, which solved some of the problems--the front of my hair getting free and in my face and my partner's face. I usually put my hair in either one ponytail at the base of my head or in two at the base. Though it always looks hilarious after sparring :)

    I am planning my next vacation back home (I'm currently in Seoul) and my two goals: Time with friends/family and checking out BJJ schools :)


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